Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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