if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
