Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
pray to the hookup gods
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
