I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
where are you?
Hypothermia
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
