Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
