He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
