Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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