I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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