I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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