I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
