I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
