I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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