she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We talked him into tasing himself.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
