God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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