even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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