Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she told me i tasted like america
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
