I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
