Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
