ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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