don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize