Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
