The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
