The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
