I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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