Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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