final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
