I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
