I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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