Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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