oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Randomize
