I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
