dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Thank you for not boning my boss.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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