Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
