If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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