So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
