he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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