that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
