I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
