omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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