Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to make out with him forever
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
