My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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