I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize