tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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