I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
