Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
