if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
