you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
