i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
well you can't waste a boner
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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