Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
