K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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