I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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