oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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