Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
