You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
