I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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