you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
