im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
