Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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